When the fear that once consumed you becomes your biggest motivator you can achieve the unachievable

If I could put what motivates me to reach my goals in a bottle and sell it, I think it would be a fairly successful product. After all, with just over a year of my weight loss/fitness journey gone I still haven’t lost the drive, determination and motivation to succeed and I am more certain than ever I will get to where I want to be ... not that I really know where I want to be exactly. I am hoping I’ll know that when I’m there. I haven’t once faltered, I haven’t once got up and thought ‘no, not today’ or that I can’t be bothered. People always ask me how I do it and why I started and it’s taken some massive soul searching to be able to answer that. At my biggest, I was vulnerable, a victim of my own negative thoughts about myself and whilst I was the one who got that big and that unfit I certainly didn’t even consider that I would be good enough, strong enough or one of those inspirational people that can start on a massive life change and stick to it. After all, I’m in my mid thirties have always had weight issues and never been successful long term in doing anything about it. In fact I never even considered doing anything about it because the fear of failure and acceptance of what I was, was to much of a burden to carry. It wasn’t my priority, everything else was but not that. In my mind it was such a massive mountain to climb that it was best to stay well clear of the mental challenge required to tackle it, after all my size had consumed me and my negative body image was winning in my mind. When I became pregnant with Rosie in 2014 somebody said to me, I don’t think you’ll ever have a problem getting pregnant, but I do think you’ll have a problem keeping them. The person who said this was referring to the fact that I was pregnant and really overweight. My response was ‘yes, I know’. How could I argue something that was potentially true, after all I made myself this fat, I didn’t deserve an easy pregnancy. Even the midwives didn’t actually address the fact that I needed extra monitoring because of my size. They said things like you’ll need a GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test) because you have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) what she actually meant was you’ll need a GTT because you are obese. So when I did get diagnosed at 28 weeks with gestational diabetes I was devastated and in my mind I put it down to everything else, except for the true reason and that was my weight. Suddenly it hit me ... the first time my weight was actually negatively effecting my health and worse still, the health of my unborn baby. I did kick gestational diabetes ass to be honest, to me I didn’t want to be another statistic or stereotype where a large lady has a large baby because she couldn’t change her diet and keep her blood sugar under control. I managed in both pregnancies to stay diet controlled and that was the first time in my life where I’d taken the problem of my weight and instead of sticking my head in the sand, I took accountability and control and thought there is no way me being fat and my weak attitude to it is going to win this battle. This was the first glimmer of hope that maybe I do have the strength to battle my own demons and fight the biggest challenge of my life and no longer be controlled by the fear and belief that there was no way I could change. I now think this is my biggest motivator. The fear of what I could go back to if I stopped and everything I’d lose if I let that happen. Now I understand it better myself I’m much happier to talk about it and it’s taken me a long time to understand. When I say this is the biggest challenge of my life I am not comparing it to raising my children, or my former career, or any career I will have in the future because with all of those things I have help and other people with an invested interest in these things. The reason I say it’s the biggest challenge of my life is because it’s totally down to me and me alone. It’s me who chooses what I do and don’t eat, it’s me who chooses how much and what effort I put into my exercise, it’s me who decides if I’m failing or succeeding and the pressure that comes with that motivates me even more. I have a massive support network with every single person right behind me, cheering me on, commending me and pushing me, but none of them can share the burden or take weight away from me (except maybe a plastic surgeon). I see my success as their success but my failure as mine and mine alone, so success is the only option and failure is very lonely. I only write this because I was the lady in total denial, fat shaming myself, living in self loathing and totally certain I couldn’t change. When you feel so little about yourself how can you take the biggest fight of your life on? How can you look at people who have made the change and think they would even possibly understand how I feel and how horrible it is to be this fat? I was my own worst enemy and had no strength to look at myself in the mirror and realise I was totally in control. So instead of my weight defining me I had to change my thoughts and realise I wasn’t the victim, I have everything I need to change my life and that is the power of my mind and my willingness to take this fight and win! I know there are people out there who feel the same way as me, who have the will power and desire but are totally ravaged by their own self doubt and fear of failure. Please don’t let this define you, when you decide you can do it, you can change and you will win. The reason I know that is because I’m doing it right now and I promise you it’s the best thing that I’ve ever done and I’ve learned I have more strength, more determination and more motivation than I could ever have dreamt of. It’s no longer just about losing weight for me, it’s about picking my battles and winning, slowly but surely and having something that I can proudly stand on a podium and shout I totally did this - ME, I did this!